this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship

So, my best friend Moe suggested that I start a daily blog as a way of purging my thoughts onto paper (or screen as it were), which I believe is a great idea because lets face it, I have a lot to purge. Right now I'm going through the second hardest time of my life. The first hardest was when I decided to move nearly 3,000 miles across the country with my boyfriend Chris because he got a job with ESPN in Bristol, CT right after we graduated ASU. It was really the most difficult thing I have ever done. It was a huge leap of faith and a big step in my relationship but, to this day I see it as the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Difficult as it was, it forced me to discover a whole new side of myself, become very independent and really grow up a lot. I also was able to travel to new places, meet new people, and gain real life experience out in the full time work world. But, those first six months were so miserable I still think back and cringe as to how miserable I was. I had no friends, no family, no job, nothing to do but sit at home and pray for a phone call or an interview. Eventually after six months of relentless hunting and one failed job venture I finally found a job that was perfect for me. Now a year and seven months later I am right back where I started.

In March I was very abruptly let go from my job due to low sales and and cutbacks. Thankfully, since I was "laid off" I have been able to collect unemployment, although the amount I recieve each week is barely, and I do mean barely, enough to support me and keep a roof over my head. I have already had to dip into what little savings I have, so if anything major went wrong, I would have to start asking for money again, which is the absolute worst feeling ever to me. So, here I am. Spending every day just praying that I'll get a call from a job. Most of my days are spent sleeping or watching tv or mindlessly searching the internet for any and every job that I can get my hands on. My unemployment is scheduled to end the first week of September, and although there is a possibilty of getting an extension, I really really hope it doesn't have to come to that.

I had a really good talk with Moe last night about life. We bolth agreed how hard it is to feel like you're not in control of your own destiny. For her it's not knowing if she'll have a job for much longer, or mainly if she can stand doing the job she has now. She's also dealing with an unsure living situation and people in her life that are not good at making decisions. For me, it's not knowing how much longer I can sustain myself without a job, which looks bleaker by the day. The uncertainty of wondering if I'll get a call back from a job I really want, or if I get a call from a job that isn't ideal, should I accept it? Everyday I struggle with these things, but for the most part there isn't much I can do that I'm not already doing. I'm trying my hardest to find things, the economy just sucks so bad. The one job area that I have experience in is retail, but right now NONE of the retail stores are hiring full time employees. Everywhere I've gone to they have told me that the best I can hope for is 15 hours a week, which is worse than my unemployment. I'm just at my wits end. If I had more courage I would become a stripper on the side, but that is never going to happen.

For now all I am able to do is keep my chin up and hope for the best. I guess what makes things even harder is that I don't have many friends here. The ones I do have, I don't really have the connections with that I do with the people I know from back home. I don't have anyone here that I feel I can call anytime day or night to pour my heart out to if I feel like shit. The best I can hope for is someone who is willing to go get a beer with me or something. But, at least I do still have great friends who are just a phone call away, and I will never forget that. I just keep thinking about how awesome it's going to be when I get to hang out with Moe in August and show her around my world. It's definitely going to be worth the wait. :) Now that's something to smile about.